trust

What an up-and-down, spin-me-around-and-leave-me-dizzy, emotional-whirlwind kind of a month it's been. There have been days of endlessly streaming tears, days of giddy laughter, days of mind-boggling confusion, days of sheer frustration, days of ardent passion, days of fierce determination.

But through it all, I'm learning. I'm learning things about myself. I'm learning lessons about my own strength and ability to survive, to endure, to persevere; and also about how fragile, how neurotic, how terrified I can be. I'm learning lessons about how those fears and frailties can and do jeopardize tremulous foundations of trust; of confidence, certainty and security.

trust
(intransitive verb)
1 : a) to place confidence : DEPEND
b) to be confident : HOPE
(transitive verb)
1 : a) to commit or place in one's keeping : ENTRUST
b) to permit to stay or go or to do something without misgiving
2: a) to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of : BELIEVE
b) to place confidence in; rely on
c) to hope or expect confidently
3: to extend credit to
(from Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary)

For one reason or another, it may be difficult to trust. Lies and infidelity run rampant in our society; turning a blind eye to the realities of insincerity and duplicity is nothing but foolish. However, living with constant suspicion is detrimental not only to the growth of relationships, but to personal sanity as well.

Learning how to trust is a scary proposition, to be sure.
It means letting go of fears, of anxieties, of inhibitions, of defences, of uncertainties, of insecurities. It means choosing to remain vulnerable, open, confident, commited, hopeful, expectant; without misgivings, without doubts.

Just as it was difficult to learn to hope again, I am finding more and more that my ability to unequivocally trust someone was also more seriously undermined than I thought. Only now am I dealing with the repercussions. For me personally, it is trusting words that I find so difficult. Broken promises completely decimated my idealistic, naive belief that there really is the possibility of a happy ending. I battle the notion that as wonderful as things may be, the end is always just around the corner.

Precedent would agree.
But precedent doesn't have to dictate my future.

These days, I am learning to have confidence in words spoken.
I am learning to rely on the gentleness of fingers tenderly tracing my face before I sleep, arms holding me protectively captive.
I am learning not to attack when frightened panic overwhelms me.
I am learning to stand strong when pushed away; to lean forward, press in, rather than turning my back and running for cover.

I am learning to trust that even on rough days, even through rough times, there is unwavering conviction in this shared resolve to make things work, to prevail, whatever may come.

And I am learning that the more I learn to trust,
the more I will be trusted in return.