discouraged and dismayed

Most of the time, I consider myself to be a fairly understanding person. This is not to say that I'm even remotely near perfect, that I'm unfailingly right, or that I'm always a saint. Am I? Hardly.

However, I'm certainly not someone who enjoys creating conflict; in fact, the last few years have been a process of learning to avoid impulsive responses of excessive emotion so as not to induce conflict. Over time, I've learned how not to be a doormat, how not to be manipulated or controlled; but rather to stand up for myself, to voice my opinion calmly, succinctly, and rationally, without displays of tears or angry words.

This week was a clear juxtaposition of the ways in which two very different people handle conflict: one with steely calm and silent resolve, the other with impassioned anger and impulsive behaviour. Somehow, as the calm, resolute one, I came out the 'winner'; I also, as a result, came out the 'villain', so to speak. And have I ever been vilified, now, with extremely hurtful, highly emotionally-charged impulse responses made public on every social networking tool available.

Maybe it's just my hurt and a bit of shock speaking, but will someone please explain to me how and why a mature, adult person believes that it is acceptable to spew verbal slander through emails, Facebook profiles, Twitter updates and Blackberry statuses? Will someone kindly elaborate on the seeming need for some people to publicly insult and offend others?

Forgive me for being discouraged, and a little bit dismayed.

I'm not sure what professional conduct really means any more, let alone a professional relationship that has deepened into friendship. I'm not sure how one goes from answering the phone at 3am to comfort hysterical bawling to reading defamatory accusations (and I quote directly from telephone conversations, emails, Twitter and Facebook) calling me hostile, stubborn, selfish, self-serving, full of bullshit and lame excuses; and, while I find this kind of funny, a princess.

All of this while repeatedly stating the following:
"...time I start looking out for myself."
"...just doing ME from now on."

Once again. Forgive me if I'm slightly confused.

I spent a lot of years of my childhood being bullied and intimidated into acquiescing to the demands of manipulative, petulantly pouty girls. I decided a long time ago never to be a doormat again, never to be a pushover. Apparently, my adult resilience to manipulative demands is viewed as hostile, stubborn, selfish, and self-serving. Interesting.

I should probably stop, lest I too veer into slanderous territory.

I will say, though, that I am thankful for my resoluteness in the face of conflict, for my learned ability to stick up for myself, for my reserved response to the situation, for my resiliency to bounce back. I am grateful that I have come to understand the consequences of impulse.

And, most of all, I am glad of this small consolation in this mess; when the dust settles, I will not be the one with regrets.

Those who guard their lips preserve their lives,
but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.
Proverbs 13:3

Those who have knowledge use words with restraint,
and those who have understanding are even-tempered.
Proverbs 17:27

Those who guard their mouths and their tongues
keep themselves from calamity.
Proverbs 21:23

An angry person stirs up dissension,
and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.
Proverbs 29:22