I suppose I should start by saying thanks to all those of you who made it out to the Beautiful Illusions CD release party...wait, was it already a week ago?
Ummm...yeah. Crazy. That's about how I feel when I think about the fact that a week has passed. It was an incredible and terrifying night, and I learned a few things about myself that were extremely insightful. Would you like me to share?
1. So, singing and playing piano simultaneously in front of a room full of people is very different than singing and playing piano in my parents' empty living room. A few times during the first set especially, I looked down at my hands and thought, "uh, what the heck am I playing?!" as I blundered through a few bars at a time. Thankfully, though, I got a little bit more sure of myself as the night continued. On the plus side, I had absolutely no nervousness or anxiety regarding my voice. Not that I've ever been worried about that.
2. I was absolutely terrified, at one time, to sing my songs for strangers, or even for acquaintances. I mean, the songs I write are fiercely, intensely, sometimes painfully personal. How does one go about pulling out the skeletons from the closet in public while still maintaining some dignity and self-respect? Moreover, how does one maintain composure while singing songs that were written in gut-wrenching, hiccup-sobbing agony? It actually wasn't as hard as I might have imagined. I was able to transition pretty easily by distancing myself, a little bit, then by speaking candidly. In truth, the lyrics speak for themselves.
3. There have been few people who listen to this record who have not said to me, "you know, Julia, I totally understood [one song or another] because it spoke to me of a situation in my own life." That makes me so much braver. It's empowering, as a songwriter who loathes the idea of just writing cheesy lyrics for the sake of writing lyrics, to know that what I say touches people at a very personal level. It also completely freed me to be able to give a tiny little bit of history before the songs started (without going into extravagant detail) about how each song was born.
4. The introvert in me is not someone who wants to perform live, night in and night out, over and over again. If I had it my way, I think I would live in the studio, writing music, and perform in galas only once in a while. It's freaking exhausting to be so social, and I slept way more than usual in the days following. This would certainly be one of many good reasons to apply for a Canadian Arts Council grant and immediately start making a second record, wouldn't one think?
I spent most of Thursday and Friday feeling very down. It was as though Wednesday night was Christmas morning, fraught with much anticipation and angst, and then Thursday was like the day after Christmas: our apartment filled to bursting with flowers, similar to post-Christmas-gift-inundation. I was left with the awful, empty feeling of "now what?" and the sense of mourning one feels after a momentous occasion is over.
It passed, though. I then had a lovely long weekend relaxing with J., including luxuriously large, healthy, homemade breakfasts; hanging out with great friends; going to a Jays game; taking long walks through our gorgeous neighbourhood; and watching lots of playoff sports. Oh yes, and getting totally drenched in the sudden torrential downpour that interrupted our Monday night outdoor soccer game that has left me sick, feverish and headachey the last couple of days.
Thank goodness for my sweet J. who has kindly looked after my sick, grumpy self. That man's patience and gentle love are as healing as they come, and I am so blessed to have them bestowed on me via constantly replenished glasses of water, cold compresses, headache medicine, and delicious dinners.
And on that note, I'm off to enjoy another delightfully lazy evening.
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